Sunday, April 09, 2006

carrying off fragments of my hopeful, optimistic dream.

i shld blog on a more regular basis, and for that, i'll update my blog at least once every week. so, check back every sunday.

i enjoy blogging to a certain extend as it allows me to keep track of my life, and to pen down my thoughts and views in a clear, concise manner.
unknown to many, there is this old blog that i have. in it, holds many entires of my running days. riffling through the old entries, i got a lil nostalgic. yet again.

i shall not digress now, but will have to make a dejecting confession.
i will stop running, at least for now.

before u start scrutinising me, allow me to explain the reason for this cause.

2 entries back, i cited instances of my renewed passion. my conviction is still strong, but it is crippled by the harsh and pragmatic reality of this world. i wna run, but i cant; the stakes for this gamble is too big for me to bear.
the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak.


firstly, let me tell u of a typical trng week. the usual routine is 3 or 4 times trng per week. monday, wednesday, friday and sometimes saturday. every session lasts for about 3 hours. giving ur best for each strenuous session will result in extreme fatigue. by the time i wash up and have my dinner, it wiill be around 8+pm. finish up some work, and my eyes will be closing; slurring a plea for me to slump deep into my bed.
there aint sufficient energy for me to finish up my hwk, not to mention extra revisions.

lets face it, i do not posses superior intellect nor have the capability to do well in exams without studying hard for it. a simple browse through my report card will show that im still failing a couple of subjects. this is a crucial year for me, whether i like it or not, i have to study. but if i continue trng, time and my physical being do not permit me to give my utmost best. but at the end of this yr, i want to have no regrets, proclaiming, 'i have studied and given my best for the Os.'

even if i continue running, there is no gurantee that i will succeed. rather to end up with both running and studies all screwed up, and end up having to go to poly or something, i choose to abort my conviction in running. with all focus on my studies, i can be assured of a place in jc and from there, i can continue my run. the stakes is my future, ruining my future is the last thing i want to do.

going through this emotional turmoil is hard for me too, but such is the cruelness of this dose of altered reality. self-assurance is but temporial self-denial, i can go on and think that i can juggle both studies and running, but in the depth of my heart, i know im being cloaked in a shroud of reasonable doubt and plausible deniability.
it really suck to be embroiled in this confusion, stained with uncertainty, but i know, a final and firm decision will be the liberating key.

this entry goes out to mr koh:
im sorry coach. just want to let u know that u have really made an impact in my life. you are the one whom i will always remember and respet, but still, i choose to take this route. for now. for now.

my disclaimer: i have not given up hope on rising up again, but have instead choosen to take the practical step of securing my future FIRST. i will run. but not this year.